The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize