he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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