happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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