genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
