Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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