Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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