So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
