she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
