she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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