his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
