I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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