We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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