You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
