Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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