Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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