I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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