The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
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I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
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You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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