You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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