Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
