im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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