Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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