You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
false alarm, still single
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
