we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
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"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
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Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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