on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
