my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
