If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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