apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Randomize
