my phone needs a breathalizer
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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