just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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