apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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