who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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