Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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