I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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