Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
