after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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