I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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