I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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