I just cut my nipple shaving
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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