Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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