I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
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She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
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Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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