I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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