I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
