Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I enjoy the company of your penis
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
