he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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