if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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