I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
