At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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