I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
