I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
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Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
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So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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