he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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