farters have to be the big spoon...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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