Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I want to be your penis for a week.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
