I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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