I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
