No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
