White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
