When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
