Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
