I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
